Is "Selfish" A Bad Word for Moms?

A post for all the wonderful mothers who read The Health and Life Mixing Bowl....

We teach our children that being selfish is not nice. “Share your toys with your sister!” “Give someone else a turn!” “Be generous!” But is being selfish all that bad?

My daughter is an only child. When she was very young, sharing was a huge challenge for her. Frustrated by her unwillingness to “play nicely”, I spoke with a friend who told me that being selfish is not always a bad thing. She pointed out that a reasonable degree of selfishness gives children a stronger sense of self.  It also heightens their awareness of who they are and what is important to them and it allows them to stand up for their needs, wants and desires. Letting a child exercise a little selfishness does not mean freeing their inner narcissistic, egotistical tyrant, but it means giving them a reasonable amount of “me” time and making it okay to do so.

So I listened to the advice of my friend and decided to experiment with this “no sharing” thing. It was a little weird at a play date to announce that it was okay for my daughter not to share, but my shifted perspective on selfishness made the decision a little easier. Besides, I was instilling the value of “the world does not revolve around you” and teaching her the importance of being sensitive to the needs of others. Fortunately, the “no sharing” experiment did not destroy my daughter’s life and I can proudly report that I have a very smart, self-confident, well-adjusted nine year old.  I admire her ability to set personal boundaries while remaining sensitive and highly responsive to others.

Drawing parallels to motherhood, I believe moms who exercise a reasonable and responsible degree of selfishness make better caregivers. Euphemistically speaking, a little bit of “me” time does a mom good! Being a little “selfish” helps us set boundaries, gives us a stronger sense of self, and allows us to remain empathetic and responsive to those we care for. Most importantly, “me” time keeps us connected to our whole self, not just our role of mother.

Here are four things moms should find “me” time for:

Regular exercise. Exercise helps to reduce stress, keeps you in great shape and gives you more energy, a rare commodity for moms. Motherhood is a tough, demanding, and unforgiving job and every bit of energy helps.  Without exception, all moms should make “me” time for exercise and movement!

Leisure and play. Even if it lacks extravagance, moms need time to themselves to enjoy life away from the kids. Too many moms make the mistake of making the children’s leisure time their leisure time. Engage in a hobby. Go get a manicure. Spend an afternoon with your girlfriends. Close the bedroom door and take a bubble bath. Do not wait until the kids are grown and out of the house.  By this time you might forget who you really are outside of your role as mother.  Let the fun, excitement and adventure begin now!

Preventive screenings and exams. The importance of getting regular check-ups cannot be over emphasized and being busy with the kids is a dangerous excuse.  Start by finding out what preventive exams and screenings you need and when you need them.  Visit this site:

Screening Tests and Immunizations Guidelines for Women

Reflection time. Being a mom can sometimes feel like a non-stop flight to nowhere. Forget the guilt trip when it is time to put on the brakes! Recharging your battery and reflecting on your role as mother can help you gain a sense of control. Take the time to reconnect with your choice to become a mother. Here are some soul-searching and grounding questions that can bring joy and purpose back to the plight:

What do you ultimately want for your children?

What is most important about your role of mother?

At the end of the day, what is most important to your family?

When moms take the time to get their physical, emotional and spiritual needs met, they can fully give to others. But the real prize in exercising “me” time lies in nourishing innate gifts, talents and resources. By creating a setting in which you can grow, develop and evolve, you can make a wonderful contribution to yourself and to those for whom you care for. After all, isn’t that what motherhood is all about?

This post is also featured at Go Workout Mom.  Thanks, Cindy!

Comments

[Deborah Robinson]

This article has been included in the latest edition of Mom's Blogging Carnival.

[Kate Saltfleet]

I think this is spot on. It is far better to be "selfish" and take a bit of time out than become a martyr!